Loneliness is the insatiable longing to be with someone.

I have a lot of things on my mind. And normally I don’t like talking about them so I write. Maybe Noel Gallagher is right, “When you get to a certain age you find that other people’s opinions don’t really matter anymore, and you get kind of uncomfortable with your place in modern life.”. Maybe that’s why I don’t like talking about what’s on my mind. Actually, I do find it exhausting just talking and listening lately.

“Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone.”

Charles Bukowski

I don’t like saying how I feel and it often gets me in trouble. I don’t like saying how I feel because most of the time, I find that forgetting is easier. I found this picture on my hard drive today. It’s my kindergarten report card. It says, “Usually keeps self busy and tries to cooperate with the teacher and does as suggested”. I noticed a couple of things about this card:

• I used to write like that. I don’t remember how and when I lost my Montessori calligraphy.
• My teacher writes long sentences.
• What does she even mean by “tries to cooperate with teacher”??? I’m naturally a conformist.
• My father signed this card. I’ve always thought my dad didn’t care about my grades as long as it’s not below A-.
• Lastly, it seems, I haven’t changed at all.

Yes, I browsed old pictures which is probably why I’m feeling lonely now.

Purifier. A term we use to clear your thoughts.

I have a lot of things on my mind. I can’t go to sleep. I can’t stop worrying about the future. A couple of days ago I found out that some of my closest friends here in Dubai might have to leave the country. I can’t really deal with people leaving anymore. At the same time, I’m thinking about the things I have to do. Just thinking about them drives me crazy. I hate uncertainty. I hate it. Yet, I often just go with the flow, “does as suggested” even my kindergarten teacher knew it early on. Then I find it annoying when I get into an uncertain situation or worse a stalemate when basically I don’t do any steering.

I have a lot of things on my mind and the person I want to be with is not here with me. And I can’t tell him that because it isn’t fair nor is it right.