Last year, I did the unthinkable, went on stage, in front of about 50 strangers (I might be exaggerating a bit, although it felt like there were thousands in that room), and did stand-up comedy. Me doing stand-up comedy was funnier than my material. I was prepared, or I thought I was. I have my cue cards. I practiced. I went on stage, trembling, damn it, couldn’t control my nerves. The light was on me, but I couldn’t see anyone, the only one I can see was the host, who was on my right, being nice and supportive. I couldn’t tell if people were leaving (which is good) or laughing (which is horrible).

Below was what I was supposed to share that night, unfortunately, my mind went blank and my brain stopped functioning when I went on stage I didn’t deliver the whole thing as planned.

So hi, my name is Kenna, I brought my friends with me tonight, so if you find yourself not impressed but everyone’s laughing it’s because of that, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Four years ago I moved to Dubai and I was very surprised that my conservative father allowed me. I never asked him why it was easy for him to let go of his youngest child, but I have a theory why. I used to live my life based on the proverbial phrase, “when life gives you lemon, go get tequila and salt”, so maybe he’s happy that I’m moving to the Middle East. Cheers and sorry dad!

Am I the only one who’s scared of the police? Whenever I see one I feel like I did something wrong. They just need to turn ON those blinding lights, the flashing emergency light they turn ON when something’s wrong, and wait for an accident to happen because those lights are annoying and blinding as f***.

I was dropping my friend home after dinner somewhere in Downtown last week. I got a call and answered it while driving until I saw a policeman on a motorcycle. I got scared I dropped my phone and almost drove through a red light. My friend, kissed me on the cheek to say goodbye. The cop, who didn’t pull me over for using my phone, knocked on my window and ask me to pull it down. He asked, “who is she, is she your sister”, uhm, no she’s just a friend, “then why did you kiss her”, I was so confused, I was thinking, but you kiss everyone too?

The last time I talked to my father, he asked me when he’ll have grandchildren and I don’t really know how to answer that because I’ve never been a relationship with anyone, at least none that they know of. I’m not married and they’re oppose to sex outside of marriage. So how am I suppose to get pregnant?

So I’m an engineer and the only female in a team of 30+ males. Once some guy shared a photo with the rest of the team about the “first tram accident” here in Dubai with the caption, “if lady was driver, means mistake was done by tram”, so I said, “I pulled out a man’s car stuck in sand twice the other day, I guess mistake was done by sand”. When I left work that day, I took a shortcut with my 4×4 and 5 cars helped pull me out of the sand, including a police car. I’m never voicing my opinions again.

Anyone here on Tinder? Used to be? So it turns out it’s no longer working, because I checked yesterday, there’s no one there. Tinder is pretty cool. When Etisalat started blocking it, my boyfriend got so many matches because you can no longer see his profile picture. The only time he got that many matches was when we changed his settings to discover only males.

Good night!

I think I was only able to remember a quarter of it. It was a memorable experience. Now, I know that I don’t have a future in stand-up comedy.